Who will love me for me?

Who will love me for me? Not for what I am but for who I am...
I ask myself this all the time.
I have made several men the reason for my happiness, my joy and when they were gone, I was right back were I started, alone, miserable and broken.
Well, enough, enough of putting everyone's happiness first, enough of allowing myself to be the object of ridicule, enough sitting on the floor waiting for some prince in shining armor to come and rescue me. Enough of self loathing.
It's time I love myself, believe in myself, be strong and confident once again.

Yes, I might be single, it's not the end of the world. I want to be somebody, I want to be the next big thing, I want the world to hear my voice and I want to rule the world.
I've let words and actions of men determine my actions, determine my happiness but no more. I am a lioness and I will be great. I may be broken today but I will be whole tomorrow!



The dairy of the broken girl has come to an end as she has chosen to be a Strong Woman. The broken girl that started this blog has risen from the floor, after years of self pity, pain and anger and she is on a journey to become the great woman she always dreamed she would be.

Check out my new blog, Strong Woman staystrongwoman.blogspot.com

xoxo

Again

Listening to music and thinking, it just crossed my mind out of nowhere...

Will I ever be enough?

Will someone look at me someday with all my flaws and see me as “perfect”?

Or will I be used again for a while and passed over for the better younger version again?

It haunts me…

It terrifies me...

I am happy and satisfied with where I am in my life currently , although not with the love department. I really don't want the past repeating itself again.

I let myself believe in the possibility of love again, to the wrong person, again!

So I’m back to where I started few months ago, heartbroken, again!

I long for the day I'll meet the right person so this journey of constant disappointments and heartaches could finally end.

Is it too much to want to find love and be loved in return?

I am hopeful that it will happen someday, until then, I will continue to live everyday like it's my last.

:) 

I choose me

"Some people feel the rain, others just get wet" -Bob Dylan.

I finally came to terms with the fact that I do not know what I truly want; yet. I know I want love at some point, I want to be loved also but deep down I don't want that right now. I keep looking for ways to fill up this void inside me, nothing seems to be working, it has only left me with a larger void and finally, I think I'm done.
I'm done selling myself short, I'm done being objectified, and I refuse to accept that men only ever want to get in my pants because chivalry is not dead. There's more to me than my appearance, I have so much more to offer and I can finally see that now.

Two years ago today, something interesting happened, it was a start of a new chapter in my life and I realized I've wasted so much time waiting for the perfect guy, the fairy tale romance I'm too afraid to openly say I desire. All these time, I've being waiting for it and I stopped living, I stopped being happy, I stopped being spontaneous and living in the moment. I've been trying to be someone I'm not and I'm tired of pretending in my own life. Yes, I am not the same person I was a few years ago but I have grown into a woman I'm starting to like now. I may still be broken, but someday I will be completely healed.

I'm not sure there's anyone out there for me, not sure my "Mr Right' exists and I'm done hoping and waiting for him, I'm done with the expectations and constantly getting disappointed.

I choose me today.
I choose to be happy.
I choose to move on!

And if I ever find the myth of "true love" someday, with that special someone, I hope it will be worth the wait; and if not, I know I lived!





....to every girl out there who's ever felt empty, and numb because they're single and most relationships end with hurt, choose you today, choose to be happy. We don't need a man to be happy or make us whole, we can be all we want to be, we just have to want it bad enough! So live in the moment, enjoy each beautiful day as it comes because you could never get it back.

xoxo

Let love in again?

It's been years since the break up but I cannot bring myself to date anyone yet.

Some would say it is because I am damaged; maybe that's true but I think I'm just terrified.

I'm so scared of letting go, being vulnerable again, letting someone in and giving someone the opportunity to ruin me by simply giving my heart away, it terrifies me.

I have loved once, it was painful the most part but I loved him anyway.

Would I find love again?

Do I still have the ability to open up my heart again and let love?

I don't know the answer to these questions I've been asking myself for years.

They say, once you love someone, you never stop loving them; perhaps it's because I still love you though all you brought was pain, I was completely in love with you.

No, I'm over you, it's the pain I still cling to

Would I get over this and let love in someday, take the risk of feeling pain again?

Again, I do not know the answer to yet another question I keep asking myself.

I keep building walls and pushing every guy that comes away because I do not want to give my heart away again. 

It came back in pieces the last time I did, and the time before, and the time before that. 

So you see, I've been burnt too many times to let myself be burnt again. 

It's too much of a risk.

Do I let love in again?

Another Nightmare

They had another argument

While he was yelling, she thought to herself,

She couldn't remember the reason for this fight

She kept on yelling back regardless

It was an out of body experience

She wanted it to stop

She wanted all the fighting to come to an end

While she was deep in thought 

She forgot she was supposed to be yelling back

So, she got back to it

Suddenly, he slapped her

He had never laid his hands on her before

2years of living together and she never saw this coming

He slapped her again

At this point, all she could hear was her heart beating

The world she knew had completely changed

He punched her

She tried to fight back but failed

He was too strong for her

So she gave up

Lying there on the floor 

He kept kicking her
She was weak

She couldn't defend herself
Her heart was shattered

Her "perfect" world had been destroyed

How did this happen
How did they get to this point
"I thought he was the one" she thought
How could the love of my life be hitting me now
She saw the rage in his eyes
He was a completely different person
She couldn't recognize this man
He couldn't be the same man she fell in love with
That man wouldn't do anything to hurt her

She began to crawl as he walked away
Every part of her body hurt
Blood on the floor
She crawled to get her phone
She needed a doctor
As she got to the phone...

Her alarm rang

Ah! it was just a nightmare...

There he was, lying next to her with a huge smile  on his face.
For the first time, he was the last person she wanted to see, even though it was just a dream

I'm fine

"I'm fine"

A common lie
The smile the masks the tears underneath
The brave face, with the person trembling in fear underneath that mask

She says "I'm fine"
It's easier than breaking into pieces
She would rather pretend to be fine than accept that her world is in chaos
The person who turned her world into chaos still remains the only person that could fix it
She lies and says "I'm fine"

It softens the blow of the reality that the past 6 years was all for nothing
She thought they were happy
Deep down she knew something was wrong
She wanted to fix it
It is all she had known for 6 years

She wasn't going to let it all go to waste
All that time and all those scarifies couldn't be for nothing
It had to mean something
There had to be a greater purpose for them to be together

She couldn't save it
It was too broken to be mended
They had grown worlds apart in so little time
The memories of the past began to leak through her eyes
She stopped herself
She couldn't let herself feel this pain
She was afraid her heart couldn't take it
It was already in pieces
So she looked up, smiled, and said "I'm fine"

I can't help falling for you...

Many times I let myself go

Many times I let myself fall

Not sure if you'll catch me

I can’t help how I feel, even if you don’t feel the same

Is it too much to ask to be loved?

I try to be there

I try so hard to be supportive

I listen to your problems

But you never ask me how I feel

I'm dying inside

Still I find myself falling for you

And I know you don’t feel the same

Now I can’t make you love me

All I can do is hope you do someday

I hope you see me the way I see you

And look at me that way

I know I’m not who you want

That’s okay

If you decide I’m good enough, I hope it’s not too late

Now I’ve been hurt

Been hurt too many times to count

My heart’s been broken by those I loved the most

Sacrifices made, worth nothing in the end

My heart’s in pieces

Where did I go wrong?